Hello??? Anybody in there? It's me... out here standing at the gates of pregnancy. If I could just have a hint... a sign... something letting me know if I'm going to make it in? Remember me? I miscarried on Mother's Day? A little courtesy wink or nod letting me know what's happening here would be great. I think I've earned at least that. No?

It's Day 14 of Pregnancy Purgatory, and I believe I'm starting to lose my mind. It's been two weeks since we received the news that our first beta was too low to be a healthy pregnancy. But we've been holding on to a microscopic shred of hope because our numbers started jumping... 14, 15, 40, 120. They're climbing, so only time will tell where this thing is going.

I go back tomorrow, Tuesday, for my next bloodwork and ultrasound appointment. I've been really good about keeping my level of hope in check. But it's getting more difficult. Today, I found myself being far too hopeful.

For the past 2 weeks, I've only been filling my pill box with enough medication to make it to the next appointment. I've anticipated that each appointment would bring horrible news and I would be instructed to discontinue medications. To my surprise, that has not happened yet. But today, I noticed that I filled my pill box for the week without realizing it. I am starting to assume that this pregnancy will make it... that I won't be instructed to stop my medications tomorrow. I can't tell how I feel about this.

I know that hope is a good thing. It's positive energy, and I believe positive energy brings more positive energy. But when you're on the losing end of hope for so long, you just sometimes feel that hope is for suckers. And I don't want to be suckered again. It hurts like hell.

So, here I am with a full pill box and another beta staring me down. Screw it. I'll err on the side of hope this time.... Just this once. But if I don't make it through these gates tomorrow, I'm staging a sit-in.


Leave a Reply.

    My Story

    Infertility has been messing with my family for the past five years. We've seen amazing highs and the most heartbreaking of lows; but with each passing cycle, we've grown a little closer, a little crazier, and a little more willing to just eat the freaking pineapple core. 


    February 2013
    January 2013