If you have to stress about trying to conceive, I think it's only fair that you have an uneventful pregnancy. Seems fair, right? All of the struggle and heartache surrounding infertility should earn you one free ticket to a totally normal, textbook, enjoying-pickles-and-ice-cream type of pregnancy. The complications--gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, incompetent cervix, etc.--should be reserved for the "oops!" babies and the "it happened on the first try" babies. Just my personal view and the way I would structure the universe if I was in charge of things. Although, for the record, I should say that no woman should ever have to endure any complications during pregnancy. It's unfair to anyone. Unfortunately, we had a little (big) scare on Tuesday that may or may not be over. 

Everything looked great at my first ultrasound visit on Monday morning. My hcg was up to 2351, we saw a gestational sac and the yolk sac, and everything was measuring right on target. I got to take home a picture of my little bean and proudly display it on the refrigerator next to his Day-6 embie portrait. I was feeling really confident. Things were looking much brighter than they had when I miscarried.

Tuesday morning, I still felt great. I ventured out to Target to pick up some more Benadryl, to which I've finally built up a bit of a tolerance. I stopped in the restroom as soon as I got there and saw every pregnant woman's worst nightmare--blood. It was what I consider to be "a lot" of blood....and the worst kind--bright red. I immediately went into panic mode. This couldn't possibly be happening again, I thought.

I rushed out of the bathroom and ran straight to the car. I called my husband on the way home and told him what was going on. I could hear the panic in his voice too. "Maybe it's fine," he said as he was getting in his car to come home.

I called my nurse in absolute hysterics. It's amazing how you think you've composed yourself until the voice on the other end answers. I must have sounded like a nutcase, hardly able to catch my breath, but she had me come in for an ultrasound right away. In the bathroom of the RE's office, I passed a bunch of clots. Smaller ones than I had seen with my miscarriage, but I thought for sure this ultrasound was going to be bad news.

They had me come right in to the exam room when I got there, and my husband arrived just in time. The doctor started with a speculum exam where he said he sees some residual clots, although it didn't look like there was any active bleeding happening anymore. He did the internal ultrasound, and after a few seconds of adjusting the picture on the screen, we saw our little bean... hanging on. He had, in fact, grown 1 mm since the day before, which was a very good sign. 

The doctor explained that there's all kinds of reasons why a woman might bleed during pregnancy, and sometimes things go on to be perfectly fine. We have to be cautiously optimistic that this is one of those "perfectly fine" times. We repeated my bloodwork from the day before, and I went home to wait it out while I rest on the couch until the bleeding stopped.

Later that evening, things started to lighten up. I passed a few more clots, but nothing too scary. By the time I went to bed, the bleeding had stopped completely. 

Wednesday, I got a call with my bloodwork results and my hcg had jumped from 2351 to 4974 in only 32 hours! It was an amazing jump, and as the nurse said, "just about the best outcome we could hope for." I was still blood/clot-free all day Wednesday and Thursday, so we decided that things are looking up. 

We think what happened was a subchorionic bleed. Although it didn't show on the ultrasound, it's the most common reason this would happen. We just have to keep an eye on it at my next ultrasound to see if it comes back. I'm still taking it easy and trying not to lift anything--including my 3-year-old. And I'm spending lots of time with my feet up on the couch. I go back on May 4th when we'll try to hear the heartbeat. I'll be just over 7 weeks at that point, so hopefully everything is on target.

This was certainly an exhausting week, and my nerves are just about shot. But I'm thankful that, at least for now, our little bean is still stuck! Physically, I'm feeling good. And emotionally, I'm trying to shake the negative worry and replace it with a deep breath. A deep if-I-can-handle-infertility-I-can-handle-anything kind of breath. And then I feel strong.


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    My Story

    Infertility has been messing with my family for the past five years. We've seen amazing highs and the most heartbreaking of lows; but with each passing cycle, we've grown a little closer, a little crazier, and a little more willing to just eat the freaking pineapple core. 


    February 2013
    January 2013